9 Days Left

I feel like punching somebody in the giblets.

HARD.

Also, I feel like laughing hysterically at absolutely nothing, screaming at the next coworker to ask me ANYTHING, dancing in the back conference room to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” which has been on a nonstop loop in my head since yesterday morning, mooning the next smoker I see in the kitchen, face planting into a chocolate, butter cream iced sheet cake the size of a kiddie pool and sobbing myself into a puddle…of Wild Turkey. (more…)

24 Hours of Flight

I love to fly.  I’d pick the window seat or maybe even the wing seats with the pop-out doors.  I mean, after all, those seats come with a noble duty and I’m noble and full of doodie.  I enjoy the experience enough, though, that I’ll sit pretty much wherever and feel super cool just for being in an airplane.

Last week, I was sent to the beautiful state of Oregon for my job, and it was awesome.  Oregon is full of scenery with mountains and hills lined with evergreens and snow-caps.  I flew in with a local resident who said that he could be from his home to a mountaintop within 2 hours.  Dude.  That’s fucking awesome.  Literally, I mean “awesome”. (more…)

Dull As Saftey Scissors

Lately, I don’t feel mentally sharp.

Yesterday, I spent a good 30 seconds being very perturbed because the key fob to the car wouldn’t work…on the front door!

This morning I opened the door to leave and stopped before stepping outside. I couldn’t escape the feeling I’d forgotten something. Oh right, my SKIRT! (more…)

Don’t Let The Door Hit You…

It’s official. I’ve been traded to Team Twitchy.

If I can make it through this week I will never again be asked to make a “ressie!” That’s “reservation” in I’m-a-hip-female-PITA-boss speak.

I won’t have to get her lunch at the dumpling place, where standing in line is like being in a steam bath that ends with someone named “The Dumpling Nazi” just waiting to tear you a new one if you so much as look at her wrong, every Wednesday and Friday because she’s too busy working (read: shopping for shoes and talking on the phone about her kids). (more…)

Back Away From The Monkey Wrench

Routine is my life.

Not being stuck in a rut (though sometimes it feels that way), but doing things in the same order so I don’t forget anything. Having ADD makes it really easy to forget important things if I deviate too much from the norm.

It sounds restrictive and suffocating, but for me it’s calming and gives a feeling of security that I know I won’t walk out onto the front porch in the morning wearing everything but my skirt. Again. (more…)

Duh. It’s Friday.

I’ve been trying to post something all day, but these people actually expect me to work…on a Friday…when I’m completely unsupervised!

Can you believe it?

But oh no, the PITA bosses put an end to that before I even got in the car this morning! I have their emails color coded (red like boiling blood for the female boss, blue like blue from holding my breath so I’ll pass out instead of having to listen to more drivel for the male boss) and when I got in this morning my inbox was lit up like the 7th of July! (more…)

I am an Inventor!!!

When I was a kid watching people like the great Ron Popeil on TV, hocking his vast and wonderful inventions, that seemed like the way to do it.  Sure, you could go out and get a job, work hard every day and live beneath your means so you could save up some money.  If you worked real hard and saved every penny, you might be able to send your future children to college.  The concept that you could just invent something, just have a great idea, and be set for life, was much cooler. (more…)

I’m Getting Stupid

I love tech gadgets, like my new phone, but I know that technology is allowing me to become dumber and dumber.

From an early age, I decided learning complex math was ridiculous. Calculators are everywhere and cheap to buy. So I didn’t need to worry about crap like this. Complex math could be done with simple tools on the computer, so once that was all available on the web (as the web became more available) I gave up on that garbage too. I’m pretty bad at math now. I don’t really care about this. I always say that if I’m in a situation that requires complex math and there is not a computer anywhere to be found, there are bigger problems to solve. (more…)

I Care Way Too Much

The qualification is confusing too. If I’m working with homeless/needy people I’m concerned to not act all proud of myself so they don’t think I’m some big douchebag. If I go to a high-end retailer I walk around with a “fuck you” expression because I don’t care if anyone likes me.

It’s bizarre. I was just talking to Kater about having a coffee pick-me-up. I think the problem is really that I’m afraid I’ll get stink breath, and have to talk to someone up close and they’ll go on thinking I have stinky breath all the time, and I’ll think about how they might mention to someone else that I had stinky breath and that it was terrible. (more…)

High School Stories (uno)

My nephew is a freshman in high school, and already having trouble with a rumor spread around the school like a brushfire.  He’s a tough kid, with a big mouth, and very active in sports.  He’ll survive, but he’s quickly learning that high school is its own experience with higher highs and lower lows than other grades in the public k-12 system.

In that vein, here are some anecdotal stories of my experience  to remind you what it was like: (more…)