It’s The Ball Bearings, Isn’t It?

I’m not a car person.

I put gas in it and change the oil every 50,000 miles or so and it takes me where I need to go.

Everything else is witchcraft.

How many cylinders does my car have? I dunno. 37? Why does the radio work but not the air conditioner when the car’s turned off? It’s the ball bearings, isn’t it? What’s a hemi? A half-cup car bra? (more…)

Oh Balls!

Is is just me or does everyone have one month so jammed full of birthdays you end up broke and sick of cake by the end of it?

Welcome to September.

Actually, wave goodbye to it in the rearview mirror because it’s finally over, but not without my being talked into making cake balls…again. This time for my niece Ashley’s 14th birthday.

As you may have guessed, I’m not a planner. Cake ball inspiration never hits me until I’m staring at a bowl of melted candy and a half-empty box of food coloring, which ultimately makes the decision on what the finished product will look like. (more…)

It’s Nippley In Here

Does it seem drafty in here to you?

I mean, on any given day you can hang meat up in this place but today seems overly Antarctic.

It’s colder and draftier and…bare…er.

Ah. It’s my dress. The only piece of clothing short enough to reveal the back of my knees when my ass hikes it up extra inch.

Or two.

Fantastic. (more…)

9 Days Left

I feel like punching somebody in the giblets.

HARD.

Also, I feel like laughing hysterically at absolutely nothing, screaming at the next coworker to ask me ANYTHING, dancing in the back conference room to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” which has been on a nonstop loop in my head since yesterday morning, mooning the next smoker I see in the kitchen, face planting into a chocolate, butter cream iced sheet cake the size of a kiddie pool and sobbing myself into a puddle…of Wild Turkey. (more…)

24 Hours of Flight

I love to fly.  I’d pick the window seat or maybe even the wing seats with the pop-out doors.  I mean, after all, those seats come with a noble duty and I’m noble and full of doodie.  I enjoy the experience enough, though, that I’ll sit pretty much wherever and feel super cool just for being in an airplane.

Last week, I was sent to the beautiful state of Oregon for my job, and it was awesome.  Oregon is full of scenery with mountains and hills lined with evergreens and snow-caps.  I flew in with a local resident who said that he could be from his home to a mountaintop within 2 hours.  Dude.  That’s fucking awesome.  Literally, I mean “awesome”. (more…)

Dull As Saftey Scissors

Lately, I don’t feel mentally sharp.

Yesterday, I spent a good 30 seconds being very perturbed because the key fob to the car wouldn’t work…on the front door!

This morning I opened the door to leave and stopped before stepping outside. I couldn’t escape the feeling I’d forgotten something. Oh right, my SKIRT! (more…)

Don’t Let The Door Hit You…

It’s official. I’ve been traded to Team Twitchy.

If I can make it through this week I will never again be asked to make a “ressie!” That’s “reservation” in I’m-a-hip-female-PITA-boss speak.

I won’t have to get her lunch at the dumpling place, where standing in line is like being in a steam bath that ends with someone named “The Dumpling Nazi” just waiting to tear you a new one if you so much as look at her wrong, every Wednesday and Friday because she’s too busy working (read: shopping for shoes and talking on the phone about her kids). (more…)

Back Away From The Monkey Wrench

Routine is my life.

Not being stuck in a rut (though sometimes it feels that way), but doing things in the same order so I don’t forget anything. Having ADD makes it really easy to forget important things if I deviate too much from the norm.

It sounds restrictive and suffocating, but for me it’s calming and gives a feeling of security that I know I won’t walk out onto the front porch in the morning wearing everything but my skirt. Again. (more…)

Duh. It’s Friday.

I’ve been trying to post something all day, but these people actually expect me to work…on a Friday…when I’m completely unsupervised!

Can you believe it?

But oh no, the PITA bosses put an end to that before I even got in the car this morning! I have their emails color coded (red like boiling blood for the female boss, blue like blue from holding my breath so I’ll pass out instead of having to listen to more drivel for the male boss) and when I got in this morning my inbox was lit up like the 7th of July! (more…)

I am an Inventor!!!

When I was a kid watching people like the great Ron Popeil on TV, hocking his vast and wonderful inventions, that seemed like the way to do it.  Sure, you could go out and get a job, work hard every day and live beneath your means so you could save up some money.  If you worked real hard and saved every penny, you might be able to send your future children to college.  The concept that you could just invent something, just have a great idea, and be set for life, was much cooler. (more…)