Nutella – My life, my love

In the past week, I’ve discovered the joy that is Nutella. Oh man. Are you kidding me? This is the most amazing spread-in-a-bottle I’ve ever had. Peanut butter is great. In fact, it’s hard to beat peanut butter as a spread-in-a-bottle. Pimento spread is pretty good too, if you can hold back the gagging sensation when you look at it and pray nobody burps mid-spread or you’ll have to throw it away and have some celery instead. Celery, because it’s just a plain simple and clean food – unaffected by body noises. I’ve done studies. Not really.

Marshmallow goo is pretty fantastic, but hard to spread, and it gets on everything in sight. Try it. I’ll wait.

You got it in your hair, didn’t you? Yes. It’s right there. I totally told you.

What does this leave? Well, probably a bunch of shit that I’m not addressing, but nobody wants to spread mayonnaise on a cracker and eat it, and if they do I don’t want to know. Cheese spread is a cheese, more than a spread, and for that reason I’m not addressing it because cheese is, by default, awesome.

Nutella is basically candy filling. No kidding. You know those three little chocolate balls in the gold foil at the checkout? Ferrero Rocher? This is the shit they put in those. Crazy right? Completely insane.

You can put it on toast, but that’s a given. It’s important to keep it warm, around 70º to keep it smooth. A great test is to put your finger in it, and if it comes out gooey, it’s ready. (stop giggling, this is serious)

Once smooth, you can spread it on crackers, bread, your own fingers, your face, your… Hmmm… Let’s not get too carried away.

You know what makes a candy bar better? Nutella.
You know what makes a PB&J better? Nutella.
You know what makes fruits & veggies better? Nutella.
You know what makes your life suck less? Nutella.
You know what should be used to coax jumpers off the edge of a building and into protective custody where they can’t hurt themselves or others and spend the rest of their days writing blog posts and drawing pictures of unicorns reading Hemingway?

Nutella, that’s what.

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