I am an Inventor!!!

When I was a kid watching people like the great Ron Popeil on TV, hocking his vast and wonderful inventions, that seemed like the way to do it.  Sure, you could go out and get a job, work hard every day and live beneath your means so you could save up some money.  If you worked real hard and saved every penny, you might be able to send your future children to college.  The concept that you could just invent something, just have a great idea, and be set for life, was much cooler.

I’ve kept that mindset with me all my life.  Since I don’t have the next big thing, I’ve not made my move.  You could say I’m lurking, waiting in the wings for that winning idea which will catapult me into national success.  Well, I have a few ideas that I’d like to shoot past you fine people:

Pre-Flavored Fish – Did you know that you can buy lemon-seasoned fish at the store?  For real.  Well, if people like flavored fish I’d like to expand on that market.  What if you could have cherry fish?  Would grape fish suit you better?  Maybe tropical punch fish would satisfy your tropical desires?

I propose that we raise these fish in (get ready) Kool-Aid!  Just think, you mix the Kool-Aid in the water and let the fish do their thing.  “Harvest” however that’s normally done and bingo; flavored fish.

Pre-Aged Wine – Everyone who drinks form their glass with a pinky up knows that old wine is better.  It’s a long process though…  You have to crush the grapes, then ferment the wine, then wait.  Wait, wait wait…  Don’t we do enough waiting?

I propose that instead, we make this wine from grapes.  they’re pre-aged already!  Sure, there’s less juice, but it’s probably the best juice.  Yum.

Rumor Mill – How often have we tried so hard to make a positive impression, only to go unnoticed?  Oh sure, when negative news comes out it’s  a front-page headline.  But how do you get that positive press you need to get that new job?  How do you get the points to impress that hottie you’ve been watching surreptitiously? Maybe you just want your in-laws to like you for something.

I propose a little invention called the Rumor Mill.  This is a small portable device that transmits text messages to people all around you, from other people in their address books.  One moment, you’re a nobody.  The next, 10 people around you have heard from someone that you’re a stud in the sack, or that you used to be in the Secret Service.  What’s that?  Did I just hear lady pants drop?  Maybe.  Just maybe.

I know what you’re thinking.  KeepingYouAwake…  You’re stupid.

You can’t prove that.  Finally, I bring you…

Self-Lighting Cigarettes – Are you a smoker?  No?  Ok, well that’s for the best, but you can’t deny that cigarettes have been making people look “cool” for a really long time.  What’s do you always hear from someone with cigarettes?  They need a light.

I propose self-lighting cigarettes.  The end of each cigarette will have a small blasting cap in it.  All you have to do is cross the wires by touching the butt with your tongue (tee hee) and the cap will explode, lighting the tip.  Dangerous?  Hardly…  Unless you drop them in the pool or something dumb…  Imagine how cool you’d look lighting that.

So there you go.  As a sign of appreciation to my readers,

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